Lots of people put Scott Rubin down because he's going bald.  But not me. I like to put him down because he’s fat. And going bald.

Scott Rubin is so fat..his wife’s chiropractor went into early retirement.

I don’t want to say that Scott is fat, but when he gets dressed in the morning, he needs a building permit.

Scott is so fat, that when he gets shot out of a gun at an angle of 22 degrees to the horizon his ass doesn't reach a velocity of 372 meters per second until it's reached a height of 916 meters! I'm sorry. I have no idea what that means.

But seriously, lots of people don’t know that Scott is actually really good with women.  Particularly women. 

Actually, I want to congratulate Scott on recently winning the nomination by the Guiness book of world records for the category of World's Largest Vegetarian. I have a picture here of the woman who came in second...apparently she was a Yugoslavian woman who lived exclusively on a diet of yams and gorgonzola.

We all love scott...He's so spontaneous. We never know when Scott is going to do something funny. One time we waited for three weeks.

Scott is unique in that most guys only have one or two bad outfits.

But Scott's really quite a dresser. He has all his clothes made custom. He has to.

He's the only guy I know whose tailor got nervous exhaustion after one pair of pants.

Scott's so big that when they make his shirts, even Kathie Lee gives the kids the afternoon off.

Not many people know this, but Scott did theater for years before going on the web.  He starred in “hypercholesterolemia" of a Salesman

Now, as you know, Scott Rubin's face is all over the Lampoon web site, though of course you need two computer screens to see the rest of him.

He’s the only guy I know who -- after he goes shopping for groceries -- he gets a personal thankyou from Ralph.

Scott Rubin is so big, even Pavarotti calls him “Fat Ass.”

Scott's told me a lot of stories about himself....like the one about the carnival weight guesser who cracked after six hours of long division. Remember that, Scott?

Scott is the only guy I know who has to place his Burger King order three days in advance.

Seriously though, there's only reason I put Scott down, in fact, the only reason any of us put Scott down, is because we know it won’t affect our careers in any way.